If you’ve ever experienced a wedgie of any sort then you know what it’s like to shop at one of the world’s biggest shopping chains. Yesterday I got the type of wedgie that goes up over the back of your head!!
About Me: I really am a very nice person who spent most of my life making peace and friends. I’m never one to stir up negative drama just for fun. Honest!
I can handle a lot at big department stores. I can empathise with the crappy hours and job description. It’s not even the long line ups where the cashier discusses all 42 items with each customer as she scans it, “oh that’s neat.” or “oh I’ve never seen these before.”… I have listened to 5 consecutive reruns of the Spongbob episode where he’s afraid of losing his laugh box. I’m trained for things like this.
You can eye roll all you want when I ask you where the clothes pins are I have a 13 year old girl at home I can dish it right back with a finger snap and a “son’t you high school musical me!”
When I ask ever so politely; with my always present background theme music of children whining and wailing, what the price is on this tub of yogurt, in which the employee possessively holds their scanner like some sort of sick mind game and responds “I don’t work in dairy, I work in meats.” That is when I want to kick them in their left eye but I don’t because I would never want to disable their eye rolling abilities.
So my self control aside yesterday I snapped. It finally happened. They broke me, people. they broke me.
8:00pm – Pull into parking lot…”Kids lets’ run in for some wrapping paper text Dad at home and see if there is anything else we need.”
8:04pm – Dad’s text…”Apple juice, dish soap, toilet paper and whatever else you can think of.”
8:05pm – 8:15pm…Done my basics…”Hurry kids I don’t want to spend a lot of time in the store tonight.”
8:15pm – side tracked…”Lets jump over to electronics and see if we can find a gift for dad.”
8:25pm – find the perfect gift – no price…”I know you want to go home, stop whining I just want to find a price on this then we’ll go, I promise.”
8:25-8:35pm – Stand at electronics till, with my best, please help me stance…. “stop playing with the gift cards, clean them up off the floor and put them back!”
8:35pm – 8:44pm Ten minutes of waiting a glimmer of hope appears. He’s walks into the till zone, sloth like but he is moving, slightly. He shuffles around looking for something. Fake looking for something perhaps? I ‘Miss Have it all Together’ waits for the eye contact before I asked my question.
There is no eye contact for five minutes. The phone rings. As he picks up the receiver he says to me..”Do you need anything?” But I can’t respond because his response time to a fallen paper was that of a stoned gorilla and I was pretty sure his ability to assist me in a proficient way while on the phone…well it was not going to happen.
8:45pm – Children are done….”Just five more minutes, stop it! you’re squishing the bread!”
8:46pm – I walk a foot away to reexamine my potential purchase while he finishes his phone call. I return to till and he hangs up the phone and walks in a different direction. I can’t roll my eyes at this point because they are glued wide open in a daze of shock grasping for eye contact from another customer with the nonverbal “did you see that!?”
8:46pm – 8:53pm – I wait at the till. part 2. This time my eyes are peeled for anyone wearing a vest and name tag. “Stop poking your sister!”
8:54pm – I notice shimmers of employee vest popping in and out behind a crate of goods. “I’ve got em! Let’s go kids!” Stealth like weave and push cart maneuvers.
8:54:pm plus 15sec - I race to the vest. “Oh glory thank you Jesus, there’s 3 of them!”
8:55pm – “Excuse me” – No eye contact… “I’ve been standing at the till for over 15 minutes and need a price check on this item.”
8:56pm – No eye contact - “We don’t just stand around the till waiting for customers all day we have stuff to do.”
8:57pm – My inner shopping rage begins to emerge and my shopping life begins to flash before my eyes. The long lines, the bad hygiene, the eye rolls the department loyalists, the chewing gum and the $20,000 I’ve probably dropped in this place over the last year.
8:58pm – The only well raised human vest wearer in this department stands at attention recognising that a smack down is about to happen and responds “Don’t listen to him we have GREAT customer service!”
8: 59pm – He has diffused the threat code from code red to code orange; in which I reply very loudly so that at least three isles of vest wearers know I’m in town. “Why Thank you! I so appreciate you wanting to help me instead of being a sarcastic!”
9:00pm – Teen bug eyes. OMG! “Mmmmmom let’s go!” loudly… “you just be quiet, this lovely gentleman is going to help me.”
9:02pm – A bead of sweat dribbles down his brow…”How can I help you?” …..”I need a price on this.”…”Sure no problem”…It’s this…..$$$ “Thanks” would you like me to Ring it through?..”No thanks, I can get it cheaper at future Shop.”
9:04pm – Loudly: (did I mention how loud I’ve been speaking?) for the other vest wearers to hear that may have been on break “Thanks for your help I really appreciated it.”
9:05pm – “Let’s go kids!” I over hear my prodigal vest wearer “You shouldn’t talk to customers like that.”
9:06pm – 9:10pm “Mom why are you so mad?” “Why! Why!?” Charlie Brown Teacher Mumble to cash out. maw maw maw maw maw maw maw………
9:10pm – RATIO: Three tills open to 800 people with full carts.
9:10pm – 9:35pm - 6 reruns of Sponge BOB laughing box!!!!
9:35pm – 9:40pm Finally my turn “I have to pee!” . Delegate pee run to eye rolling teen.
9:40pm – 9:50pm – made it through till.
9:50pm – Side tracked: “Mom, where are you going?” “To customer service to make a complaint.” Teen “No! That’s so embarrassing! Don’t” “Look kid, I deserve decent human respect, that’s all I want! I’m going to demand satisfaction, take notes.” Teen: “I’m going to the van!” ME “Here are the keys”
9:50pm – 10:05pm wait in line behind one customer. Ratio workers 3 to 1 customer. It’s kinda like a junk drawer full of batteries. Some of them work some of them don’t.
10:05pm – “Can I help you?”
10:06pm – 10:12pm In the politest most christian fashion possible “I have a complaint…..maw maw maw maw maw maw maw….. I made sure my prodigal got lots of compliments.
10:12pm – Good customer service who received my complaint in a professional manner. Really she just saved me from a spray paint run at 3am.
10:12pm – 10:30pm -Half way home “Mom we forgot wrapping paper!”
10:30pm- make it home write several notes “Dear Teacher, … sorry they never had a chance to complete their homework, something came up.”